"choosing my pain by choosing my joy"

My mantra over the last two months has been a sentence that my wise friend, Fr. Larry Gillick, conveyed to me when we were having a conversation about saying goodbye to friends and family. I was telling him that I feel that my life has been a series of painful "see you later-s" over the last six months or so. I am tired of goodbye. And I'm tired of the heartache that comes with not seeing people that I love for a very long time. While I was enjoying my little pity party, Fr. Gillick reminded me of something that I was starting to forget: I am choosing my pain by choosing my joy. It is a choice that I am making to say goodbye to family and friends (one incredible source of joy) for a while, to pursue another joy- even more relationships and a life of intentionality in service. I am "leaving"* many communities that I love (family, the Dream Center, Creighton, friends, the DR, etc.) to pursue further communities in Tanzania.
I firmly believe that the love that I have received and given throughout my life will only help me to love more fully in Tanzania. It is impossible to go to this new place without bringing my family and friends with me: "i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"-- ee cummings
And so, it is with this tension in my soul, my heart, my core, that I begin a new phase of my journey. Thank you for reading! Please feel free to engage in the conversation that this blog is meant to be.
Much LOVE.


*I think that 'leaving' is also an interesting word to use here, and I've struggled with its usage in this entry and in my day-to-day language. My wonderful friend Aimee helped me to see that I am not really "leaving" in the sense that I will lose my connections and relationships with people. Physical presence does not necessarily indicate closeness, especially when bonds of love and friendship are strong and deep. I will be able to remain in contact with loved ones to share experiences, thoughts, ideas, challenges, and joys. AND I will be back. So, there is a sense of balance and perspective that is helpful when saying goodbye seems especially difficult.